I remember one day in high school hanging out with one of my closest friends after school. Sitting in her bedroom, she pulled out a list for me of criteria she had developed for what she wanted her future husband to be like. One of the criteria stood out to me (and it was high up on the list too): play guitar. I remember thinking to myself, "Why does that matter at all? You can be perfectly happy with someone even if they don't play guitar. These are really unrealistic expectations." Fast forward a number of years and she's now married with two children. I'm 99% confident her husband doesn't play guitar. 

Unfortunately, there are so many of us like her: we have an idea in our head of the "ideal partner". We have a checklist or criteria, even if we haven't formally written them down. Some of it makes sense and is quite realistic. And some of it...probably is completely irrelevant. I watch a show called "My Giant Life" featuring women who are over 6 feet tall. So many of them have said that they will only date a guy taller than them (or at least over 6 feet tall). Guess what? The two women on the show who are in relationships once had that criteria and threw it out. They are happily in love with their partners (both are significantly shorter than them). The others? Well, most are trying to discard that expectation and are giving it a shot dating guys who are shorter than them. Some like it, some don't.

If you haven't already figured it out from my tone, I tend to err on the side of fewer expectations is better. But is it really? My mother has been appalled at how few expectations I had when dating my ex. She was convinced I was selling myself short. He smoked and I didn't care. He didn't believe in God and I didn't care. He wasn't all that great with managing money and I didn't care. She had more than one conversation with me about "standards" and shouldn't I be holding the person I date and myself to higher standards? Maybe she was right and I should've been. Though I cannot fathom or understand those who have a long list of criteria for a potential partner, over the years I have really not had enough when I should have. Expectations are tricky like that - too many and you're left pining after an unobtainable ideal; not enough and you're left accepting anything that comes along whether you should or not. 

So I'm going to break this down for you based on two different types: those with too many expectations (my friend back in high school) and those with not enough (I'll just be honest: myself). Take a good hard look at yourself to determine which side you fall on. Here is some food for thought and tough love for each. 

Too Many Expectations: If you don't already have a written list of criteria, write it down now. Put down everything that you have ever wanted your "ideal" partner to be on paper so you can really look at it, all those things that you mentally check off when you meet someone who might have potential. This alone might serve as a wake up call and make you think to yourself, "Holy crap, this person is a unicorn." Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. Could they be out there, someone who fulfills all of these things that you wrote down? Sure. But it's much more likely that you don't NEED someone to be ALL of these things. Here comes the tough part: I want you to cut it down by half. I don't care how long your list is - if it's 20, cut it down to 10; if it's 10, cut it down to 5. Don't do this lightly. Really, really think about what you need vs. what you want and make thoughtful decisions about what can come off this list. Notice how you feel after this. You may very well feel like you're selling yourself short and I'm here to tell you right now that you're not. You are letting excess go from your life. You are discovering what is most important to you and what is less important. I hope that you will find someone who exceeds your expectations - but it's far more likely that you'll find that person once you lower yours first. You may notice you feel lighter, more clear-headed - great! It's a lot easier to have a mental checklist of 5 things than it is of 10 or even 20. Take some time to really notice how you feel after you've reduced your list without judgement of yourself. Writing down your reactions and thoughts to reducing your list may also help with processing this change.

Not Enough Expectations: This is a tougher one for me, because as I've already admitted, I'm on this side. First things first before we even start thinking about expectations specific to a partner: I would highly recommend engaging in some journaling (or at the very least, some reflective thinking if journaling is not your thing) to recognize if this is a pattern in other areas of your life. What's your self-talk? How often do you believe that you can go after what you really want? Or do you tell yourself, deep down, that you don't think you're good enough and can do it (even if you don't present that to the world)? Really think: what is so bad about expectations? At some point, you told yourself you shouldn't have them and that's worth exploring. I wanted the "too many expectations" people to cut their list in half - you need to start one (and yes, I'm a big fan of writing it down). I would aim for three things (you may realize you have more and that's not necessarily a bad thing). And I'm going to challenge you further - make sure they are phrased in the language of what you want rather than what you don't want. You may laugh at me but literally one of the first expectations I set for myself is that I would not want a partner who was a hoarder (I thought to myself as I watched "Hoarders" on TV). But listen to the language - NOT a hoarder. You may find yourself thinking this way too: I don't want someone who is boring. I don't want someone who plays video games (yes, one of my other friends has that criteria). I don't want someone who is unemployed. This is a good start but let's re-phrase those. To re-phrase my own example, I want someone who is clean and maintains a nice home. To re-phrase the others: I want someone who is fun to be around. I want someone who likes to read. I want someone who is employed full-time and able to support themselves. You can re-phrase these a thousand ways, there's no right or wrong. So, try for three things phrased in language that states what you want rather than what you don't want. Not only this, but continue doing deeper thinking about why this is challenging for you and where in other areas of your life you can apply expectations as well. Because guess what? You may notice that once you have expectations, you start attracting people and things in your life who can actually meet (and perhaps surpass) them!

So the answer to the title of this blog is that expectations can both help and hurt us. They help us when we're really clear on what's most important to us and let go of the stuff that doesn't matter as much as we might think it does. They hurt us when we're left high and dry with too many, blaming everyone else for why they're not living up to what we want. They hurt us when we don't hold ourselves in high enough esteem to even have them in the first place. Expectations can be healthy and good for us - we just have to do some adjusting first.