I was passively pursued once. I was 18 and never had a boyfriend. We met at a mutual friend’s house. He sat next to me and put his arm around me because he thought I was cute. After running into each other one or two more times when the same friend would have people over, he asked me out and I said yes. Our dates consisted mostly of watching movies together. He was nice. And I broke up with him 6 months later. He pursued me and I passively let him.

Most, if not all, of us have been in this boat at one time or another. Someone nice approaches you and you think they're just fine. They ask you out and you say yes. You go through the motions of being in a relationship and you know it the whole time: this person chose you and is way more interested in you than you are in them. This happens for a variety of reasons: you don't want to hurt their feelings. Maybe you just want to be with someone and because there aren't any major red flags with this person, you start dating them because you think to yourself, "Why not?" Perhaps you just don't have a clue how to say no.

Oh, what a recipe for unhappiness this can be if it becomes a pattern. There are many, many people who go through every single relationship they have like this. And this is the group that I call The Passively Pursued. Someone who is passively pursued does not take an active role in their relationship. There is a high likelihood that they struggle with voicing their wants and needs and more than likely their self-esteem is pretty low. There is a big difference between giving someone a chance because you think it might have potential vs. going along with whoever shows interest in you because you just don't want to be single anymore or you tell yourself this is as good as it gets.

Let's get real: you learned this somewhere. A good place to start is figuring out who in your life is passive. They might not just be passive in love, they could be passive in...everything and anything. They go with the flow and don't rock the boat, to a fault. Women tend to be passively pursued more than men because women continue to be told and praised for being passive, especially when it comes to relationships. But one of the biggest reasons why someone becomes passively pursued is that they don't believe in themselves. They think that the love they really want doesn't exist so they settle. They think that someone could never be interested in them so when anyone shows interest, it becomes extremely exciting, whether the feelings are reciprocated or not. They perhaps are really bad or scared of saying no so consequently, they say nothing or they say yes. For me, it was the "sick of being single" reason…and feeling badly that I was 18 and hadn’t had a boyfriend yet when a number of my friends had already…and not knowing how to say no. It likely is a number of reasons for you too. It doesn’t feel good to admit that you don’t think you’re good enough to be with the person you might really want. It doesn’t feel good to realize you need a lot of work in the boundaries department. When you start to really open your eyes to these truths you also open yourself up to do something different.

To stop being passively pursued will not happen overnight. It will take practice and likely a few times of falling back into your old ways. It is more than likely that this pattern in your relationships is present somewhere else in your life and I recommend you start there. If you realize you’re passive at work or with a friend, find one thing to do differently – just one thing to speak up about. Maybe it’s telling a co-worker that you would like it if they knocked before entering your office or asking a friend to text you if they’re running late instead of leaving you hanging. It will feel weird and awkward but hopefully empowering at the same time. This can be hard: practice what you want to say out loud or with someone you trust so you feel confident. If you don’t reduce the passivity in the other areas of your life, it’s going to be really hard to do it when you’re dating someone new. After you feel like you’ve tried it out and gotten pretty good at it, give it a go with dating. This could vary widely depending on what setting you’re in but after you’ve talked with a few people (if you’re in a group) and gotten a feel for who you’re interested in and who you’re not, narrow it down to your top one or two  interests and say no to everyone else. Sound extreme? Perhaps. But this is practice for knowing what you really want and not being afraid to let go of the rest. And while low self-esteem may feel insurmountable, the more you change your behavior and what you do, the more likely it is that your confidence will rise. For far too long, you’ve let too much in. It’s okay to raise the bar and keep it there. You’re worth it.