On July 14, 2018, I became engaged. My fiancé hung pictures of us from the ceiling of a beautiful gazebo that he lit with candles. He got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. I said yes without a second thought. When the second thought came it was, “Whoa, we’re going to have to plan a wedding!” While I had day-dreamed on and off for years about what I would like my wedding to look like, it hit me that now was the time to actually plan it. To look at venues, find catering, pick out a dress, and flowers and eventually walk down the aisle and say, “I do.”

You may have heard of the expression “see the forest, not the trees.” What it means is that it’s more important to see the big picture than the small details. I am already realizing that this is crucial when planning a wedding and also one of the most challenging pieces of it. As facebook and pinterest inundate me daily with links to click on for how I can choose a wedding hashtag or which design I should pick for a wedding website, I am forced to choose between the forest and the trees. After all, I am a detailed person who enjoys planning. Weddings require this to a degree that you make lists to not forget anything and there are details to think about. But these things are trees. There are many “trees” when it comes to planning a wedding, most of which are completely irrelevant. If you don’t step back and see the forest for what it is, you’ll get lost going from tree to tree until you don’t know where you are anymore.

This has been my recent experience with this forest vs. the trees idea, but everyone in their relationship encounters this choice. When it comes to relationships, things do not go right every single day. Your partner may be cranky. One of the kids is sick. There are 5 million errands to run and not enough time. And each day you have a choice in front of you: to focus on these things and let them consume you or to step back and see the bigger picture. They didn’t wash the dishes the way you wanted them to. They didn’t put the toilet seat down. They didn’t dress up to go to Thanksgiving at your parents’ house. They text too much when you’re trying to talk to them. I bet any one of you who lives with your partner can probably name at least 3-5 pet peeves you have with them. We all have flaws and there’s no better way to figure out what a person’s flaws are than to live with them. It forces you to see these flaws day in and day out.

So what does seeing the bigger picture really look like? The groceries do need to be bought, the house does need to be cleaned, the sick kid does need to be attended to. But how you do these things is what counts. How much slack do you cut your partner when they’re hard to get along with or not doing things the way you want them done? How much slack do you cut yourself? When we are focused on the “trees” in our life, we are more likely to feel irritable, tired, and unhappy. It all leads to an immense feeling of being overwhelmed. When we put things on hold that don’t need to immediately be done, remind ourselves to slow down, take time for the things we enjoy, do the little things like kissing each other when you come home, putting your phones down, really listening to the other person’s experience – that’s when you’re seeing the forest. That’s when you’re putting the big picture first, seeing clearly that connection is what is most important. When you give your sick child some extra snuggles, when you put on music and sing together as you clean the house, when you take the time to talk with the cashier as you check out at the grocery store – that’s the forest.

If you’re feeling unhappy in your relationship, I can almost guarantee you’ve started to focus more on trees. Really start to examine why you’re getting stuck on that tree and what the bigger picture is that you’re worried about. Not only that, but start figuring out what the experience is that you want. Are you concerned about the dishes because it means you’re wanting the experience of relaxation and feel like you can’t get that when you’re cleaning all night? Are you mad about them not dressing up for Thanksgiving because you’re worried it will lead to judgement from your parents that you’ve faced before? Are you worried about what your wedding website will look like because you want something that’s easy for your guests to navigate? If you can’t answer the question, “Why does it matter?”, then that means it doesn’t. Intention is everything. When we know what’s underlying our concern about a tree, it allows us to step back and see the forest more clearly. Therapy is a beautiful way to get practice with this.

As for me, my “forest” is about having a relaxing day where I, my husband, and my guests are calm with as few worries as possible. My forest is also about having fun –both on the wedding day itself, in the planning process leading up to it, and in my marriage thereafter. If the trees don’t relate to these objectives, then they are not for me to concern myself with. I’ll let them go and stay focused on the things that truly matter. The forest is far more beautiful than a single tree.