I was in my previous relationship for 8 years and considering that we started dating when I was 19, this was quite an accomplishment for someone of my age. He and I could walk into any party and I said, "8 years" with such pride when people would ask how long we had been together. I knew with certainty that we were the longest lasting couple in the room every time. I also say it with pride that my parents have been married for over 30 years. That my aunt and uncle have also been married for over 30 years and my grandparents have been married for more than 50. It's like some strange badge of honor I wear - that I myself was in such a long-term relationship and that I am surrounded by others in my family who are as well. My therapist recently asked me a good question though: why? 

I'm still working to figure out that answer, but I know I'm not alone. I love watching those youtube videos about the couple that has been together for 70 years, seeing how they've grown old and gray together. Society is obsessed with that. Because we are all well-aware of how common and high the divorce rate is, if your relationship can stand the test of the time, it makes you the minority; it makes you special. I've been with my fiance for less than 2 years and there have been moments where I think to myself, "I can't wait til we've been together 5 years, 10 years, 20 years" as if that would somehow make our relationship "more legitimate" or "better" in some way. I've had more happiness in this relationship in the 18 months or so that we've been together than I knew was possible. Which brings me back to this: why does it matter?

The truth is that the longer you've been together, the more stories there are within your relationship and likely, the more struggles. I never would tell people at a party how even though my ex and I had been together 8 years that he had broken up with me twice during those 8 years. My friend who has been with her boyfriend for over 10 years now doesn't talk about the time in their relationship when he abused her. My friend's parents have been together longer than mine but theirs is one of the most unhappy marriages that I know. My grandparents who have been together over 50 years have struggled quite a lot in their marriage due to my grandmother's hoarding. These are the stories we don't tell at gatherings when people say, "How long have you been together?" We smile and say the number of years and everyone seems to make an assumption that longer is better or more impressive.

I don't think it's possible to change society's standard or value on longevity and finding lasting love. It's what most people are looking for and want. The problem is when that becomes a badge of honor as I have viewed it at times in my life. My mother (who means well) told me when my 8-year relationship ended that even though she felt it was for the best, that I had "wasted" a significant portion of my 20s being in a relationship that didn't lead to lasting love. Even though she didn't use this exact word I felt it within myself without her saying anything: that I had failed in some way by ending the relationship. We view a couple who divorces after 3 years very differently than a couple who divorces after 30. Think about what most people would say about the 3-year couple: "Oh, they probably rushed into it" or "They married the wrong person, no wonder the marriage is ending so soon." Think about what would be said about the 30-year couple: "But they've been together so long, they really can't figure out how to keep going?" or "Wow, they've made such a life together, I can't believe they're giving that all up." There's a different kind of tone there. One implies a tone of "Oops, you made a mistake" and the other implies "You should probably be trying to work a little harder." The point of this is that we don't know a couple's story and we don't know the hardships they've endured. We make assumptions based off of a number.

If you recognize reading this blog that you're like me, it's time to start changing your thinking from quantity to quality. Realize that it doesn't matter whether you've been with someone for 7 months or 7 years - other people's reactions to the length of your relationship have nothing to do with your relationship itself. Tell quality stories about you and your partner's relationship when the opportunity arises to do so and catch yourself if you're judging other people's relationships (in a positive or negative direction) by their length. Remind yourself that you don't know their stories or their relationships either. Finally, do your best to believe that relationship length does not measure success or failure for yourself or others. We say age is just a number - it's time to view relationship length that way too.