"I keep going to my family hoping that they'll give me the love I've always wanted," my client cried tearfully to me. "My sponsor says it's like I'm going to the hardware store for bread. I keep trying, hoping that they'll change and that I'll find what I'm looking for from them, but I keep being disappointed."

I had never heard this expression before this client shared it with me a few years ago of "going to the hardware store for bread" but when I heard it, it was a lightbulb moment. Most, if not all of us, have this experience with some area of our lives and it most commonly tends to be within a particular relationship: we keep being let down by someone repeatedly when they may not really be the problem. We're just looking to the wrong person for what we want and that need could be better met by someone else. 

When it comes to dating and trying to find a potential partner, this issue can crop up again and again and again. It becomes very easy to blame the people you're meeting for why you're not finding the love you want, claiming that they are just not "good enough" (not smart enough, successful enough, good-looking enough, etc.). While all of that may be true, let's turn that around for a minute and focus on you. Where are you going in an effort to find someone? Are you wanting desperately to find a "family man" but you're going home with people at the bar? Are you wanting to find a woman who loves adventure but you're not leaving your own house to find said woman? Where and how you go about meeting people is crucial to finding the love you're looking for with a person who has those qualities that really matter to you.  It's time to stop going to the hardware store and being let down repeatedly when you don't find bread. 

To continue on with metaphors for just a moment before I actually get down to giving some concrete guidance on how to do this, let's look further at why people are continually let down by their efforts to date. There are many single people trying everything they can think of to find love (i.e. joining dating sites, going to dating events, etc.) and it's not working for them. My theory of why it's failing is this: it's not that these people are necessarily going to the hardware store for bread (though some of them may be doing that). It's because they are going to the Walmart of dating (or the Fred Meyer of dating or the Target of dating, if that's your preference). Here's what happens when you go into Walmart to shop (I do it every week, admittedly): you spend a lot of time walking around the store getting every item that you need. There are lots of brands to consider and the choices can at times feel overwhelming. You walk through aisles and departments that have nothing to do with what you're really there for until you get to the section of the store that finally has what you're looking for. We shop at places like Walmart because they are a one-stop shop. You KNOW that they're going to have everything you need. But you also know that it's a big store and it's going to take you some time to find it. 

Now, going back to dating and how it can be like Walmart. Online dating is overwhelming with the number of people that you can connect with. There are THOUSANDS of profiles to look at. Same thing with dating events: you may be at a dating event with at least 50 people who could be potential matches for you. While this sounds great, there's a reason why it's not working for many people. It takes a lot of time to explore your options. You may be looking for someone with one or two qualities you really value but you're likely going through a lot of people who don't have those qualities as you search for someone who does (the same way that you can walk up and down aisles at Walmart even if you know exactly what you're trying to find). So why do people keep paying money every month for their online dating profile or going to dating events every week? They trust and believe that eventually they will find who they're looking for, the same way that we trust big department stores to have everything we need somewhere. 

Let's think of a different shopping experience for the moment. Think about a local, small business you've gone to in the past or that you regularly go to now. Maybe it's a book store or a small clothing boutique, for example. Let's think about that experience for a moment. When you go in,  you are likely greeted right away by someone you may have seen the last time you were there. You know they're probably going to have a cute dress you're wanting or that book you've been meaning to read. It's a smaller space, so you don't spend as much time walking around before finding what you're looking for. And I would guess that even though you are going there with a goal in mind to walk out with something specific, just the act of going there feels like an experience you enjoy. Why don't we do this more often? It's more expensive probably, hours might be limited, and it may not be as close by or convenient to get there. And yet, when you are there, it might start to feel like none of that matters because the experience feels more personal and unique.

You've probably already figured out where I'm going with this: I want the experience of meeting people to feel like going to a local business instead of going to Walmart and I bet you want that too. Is it going to take a little more effort? Yes. And it will be worth it. I told you I would give you some concrete advice on how to do this, so here goes. First, you have to know what you're wanting in a potential match. My client that I mentioned at the beginning knew she wanted "bread" and that's how she knew she wasn't finding it. If you go into a store without a list, it can take much longer. It's important to have a few qualities (around 3 is a good number) of what you're looking for. Second, ask yourself where you think you would find someone who has these qualities. Looking for adventure? Maybe they would go hiking. Looking for someone who is caring? They might volunteer to help others. Smart? They might do trivia nights. Funny? They could be doing improv. After you've gotten some ideas going, it's then time for the third and hardest step: go out and meet them. Yes, in real life. Without the idea of "dating" hanging over your head. Start creating a life where you engage in activities that are meaningful to you, that you enjoy, where there is a possibility of meeting someone who also likes and values those same things. Join a hiking group, a sports team, a class, an organization. It will take time, money, effort, and patience to do this. You will also start to form a community of like-minded people and that will bring good connections into your life, which may have the potential to maybe become romantic at some point. There's an expression that there are a lot of fish in the sea. This is true...and if you know where to fish, you'll be more successful in finding who you want. Leave the hardware store behind and go find the bread you've been looking for.