My former boss had a bumper sticker with this quote from Maggie Kuhn on it (which I found ironic, because she is a very outspoken, no-nonsense woman). I glanced at it every time when I was in her office and always found great comfort in it. It reminded me that a) speaking our minds is hard and takes courage and b) you can cut yourself slack with it. 

I've held myself to a really high standard when it comes to speaking my mind over the years. I've expected myself to do it in the moment, effortlessly, with calmness and grace. While I have had that happen, the truth is that far more often, I get quiet. I realize something bothered me long after the fact rather than in the moment. Then I rehearse over and over what I want to say in my head, plan when I want to do it, and get very nervous going in. I get frustrated when it doesn't go how I want it to go and oftentimes, I don't say anything or only say a small portion of what's really on my mind. In American culture, we are taught this idea that it is better to speak than it is to be silent; that we should say what we think at all times and that this is the best way to be. How different this is from the rest of the world! And how unrealistic!

I've recently (and by recently I mean finally after over two years of my own individual therapy) started changing my standards for myself when it comes to speaking my mind and wanted to share some of my insights here in the hopes that it will help you the next time you have something you want to say to a romantic partner or anyone else in your life. 

Insight #1: Rehearsing is counter-productive.

Boy, was this a hard one to realize. I am the queen of rehearsing what I want to say and have held steadfast to the belief that it prepares me and helps me do better when the moment comes to speak my truth. What it actually does is overwhelm me because I have multiple bullet points I'm trying to remember going into it. Then when I am actually in the conversation, I am not really present and spontaneous. It's like a monologue much of the time. I sit the person down, tell them I want to talk, and launch into my speech. What I really desire is a back-and-forth conversation, one in which the other person really engages with me but that doesn't happen as much when I rehearse what I'm going to say first. What I'm working to do instead is make a note of the general issue that's on my mind, for example, telling myself, "I really want to talk to them about how they haven't been texting me back as much" and then I let it go. Yep. No rehearsal, no planning when and where to talk about it. I trust myself and the universe that the opportunity will present itself and that I am capable of saying something in the moment when it feels right and comfortable, whether that's next week or next year. And what if an opportunity comes along and I miss it? I tell myself I can try again and instead of becoming self-critical, I give myself some compassion. 

Insight #2: It won't work if I don't know what experience I want to have.

My therapist asks me this question pretty regularly with multiple areas of my life: "What is the experience you want to have?" When it comes to having a conversation with someone about something that's been challenging lately, it clearly means you want things to be different - but what exactly is it that you want to change? At first glance, this may seem simple, like "I want them to load the dishwasher more often instead of leaving their dishes in the sink" or "I want them to text me when they're running late" or "I want us to go on dates more often." But that's not getting to the experience you want - that's just the thing that you want. If you want them to load the dishwasher, you're probably wanting a clean house or to come home after work and not have one more thing to do. If you want them to text you when they're running late, it may be that you want the head's up so you're not worried about them or you can find something else to do while you wait. Want more dates? You may be wanting to find more time to have fun together or to create a space to talk more in-depth than you can in the day-to-day bustle of life. The possibilities are endless for what you're really wanting but take some time to actually think about it. You may notice that once you know your desired experience, it's pretty easy to take blame out of the conversation. "Why can't you do the dishes more often?" becomes "I've noticed that sometimes I come home and the dishwasher hasn't been loaded and then I do it later on in the evening. I'd really appreciate it if you can find a chance to load it before I get home so we can have more time to relax together in the evening." "Please text me if you're going to be late" becomes "I was worried when I didn't hear from you that you were running late. Do you mind texting me in the future to let me know? That would really give me some peace of mind." It gets to the heart of the conversation much quicker and tells the person what it's really about. I used to think that I was pretty good at communicating just because I used "I" language and never got angry but that was only the tip of the iceberg. I would just tell the person the thing that I wanted and would stop there because I wasn't even sure of what the deeper experience was that lay beyond the thing I wanted. When you know what the experience is that you're seeking, you become far more authentic. 

Insight #3: It doesn't always need to be said. 

This was arguably the hardest insight for me to have. I can feel like a mother checking to see if her newborn baby is breathing in the middle of the night when it comes to my relationships. The minute I sense that there is any tension between myself and another, I want to talk about it and resolve it as soon as possible. Just like a new mother: I have a worry about my baby and I have to go check. That's me: I have a worry about a relationship in my life and I must do something now. That usually starts me rehearsing and pressuring myself to get it exactly right and to say it immediately. But...is that really necessary? What happens if I just...wait? And you know what I've found recently when I wait? I feel different. Not always right away, but within a day or two at most, something shifts and my focus tends to lessen towards the possible issue that had me so worried. Now some of you might be thinking that this sounds very similar to turning a blind eye to a problem or sweeping things under the rug. Here's the difference: turning a blind eye is when you see a problem and don't do anything about it. There will be many times in a relationship where there is a clear problem that cannot be ignored - where something is unavoidably different and it feels wrong. If the baby is screaming loudly as if in pain, go check immediately. But there will also be many times where things may seem fine in the relationship but you think there's something wrong or you just have a gut feeling and an urge comes on very strongly to figure out what it is. These are the times to wait and see. If you find that a day or two later, your feelings or worries are growing stronger, then you have your answer: say something. If they fade, then maybe there was nothing really wrong to begin with or maybe there was, but now it's resolved all on its own without you having to do a thing. For me, this has become another way for me to be compassionate and patient with myself when I simply say: "You don't have to say anything right now. Just wait and see what happens." 

The bottom line is this: be patient and kind to yourself and the other person. It's okay if it doesn't go perfectly - just talk about the experience you want to have and let the conversation evolve. And you can always get another chance to try again.