It's January 1st again. A new year, a fresh start. It only makes sense that I would be sitting here writing a blog about New Year's resolutions. I already know that there's a lot out there on this topic, but why not add in my two cents (and make it specific to relationships while I'm at it)? First of all, what are we really talking about when we're talking about resolutions? According to Google when I type in "definition of resolution", it says "the firm decision to do or not to do something." Some might view a resolution as a promise or agreement with oneself to carry out a specific goal that they have. The tricky thing is that we know that New Year's resolutions...tend to not last. We get tired and fall back into our old ways. We also can place really high expectations on ourselves. Where are we going wrong and where can we do better? One area I see people get hung up on is making their resolution too specific. Now, typically I am a fan of specificity when it comes to making requests of someone or setting goals as a whole. But for New Year's resolutions? I'm not such a fan of being specific. If you make your New Year's resolution to go to the gym three times a week, there's a clear "pass/fail" there. You either meet that or you don't and when you don't, it's easy to feel discouraged and want to give up entirely. If you set the resolution to simply "exercise more", this leaves much more openness and flexibility on what that can look like - in other words, hopefully you'll be able to pat yourself on the back and focus on little steps that fall under that large umbrella. Some people have started picking a word to define how they want their upcoming year to go (i.e. "joy", "peaceful", "adventure", etc.). I'm a fan of this for a few reasons. One, it's not specific, like I mentioned above, leaving plenty of room to figure out what that can look like. Two, it's easy to remember. Three, it gets at a really important idea which I think is at the heart of New Year's resolutions and the question we should be asking ourselves when we make them: what do I want to make room for in my life? What do I value that's worth making some changes and moving some existing things around for? What do I want to fully embrace? When most people are setting a New Year's resolution, they're thinking to themselves, "Where am I lacking/deficient? What do I need to be doing better?" and arrive at things like exercise, eating healthier, etc. Those aren't bad goals, but the mindset needs some work. Let's focus less on a "problem area" and more on expansion and growth from what already is. Asking that question of "what do I want to make room for?" focuses on bringing in something new rather than getting rid of what's currently broken.

But enough about my ramblings about New Year's resolutions. I said at the beginning that I would make this specific to New Year's resolutions about relationships. I'm going to break this down into three categories: ideas for those who are currently single, those in a relationship, and those who are going through the recent ending of a relationship. 

1. I'm single and wanting to find someone. 

Let's get real: it's not uncommon for people to say, "For this new year, I want to find love" or "I'm going to get back out there into the dating world." I want to set you up for success here with two important things to focus on. First, the best way to find someone of quality is to turn inward and focus on yourself first. In short: set an intention to become the best version of you (this is a good time to pick a word, as described above to guide you on a quality you're wanting to develop). Take a good hard look at yourself, see where you can use some work (and we all need some), and then work on that area. As I mentioned above, it's really easy to get focused on what we lack (i.e. "I don't exercise enough so I should change that"). Think about it as "what's something that I want to grow?" What's a quality that maybe you like about yourself, but that doesn't come out very often? For example, "I think I'm pretty funny, but I don't always show that playful side of myself to others - maybe 'playful' can be my guiding word and I'll work on showing that side of me more." The second thing that I cannot recommend enough when it comes to dating is to create a more varied social life. If you are coming home after work, sitting down, scrolling through tinder and then going to bed, it's time to start doing a little less swiping and a little more living! Make room for more people in your life, whether it's spending more time with your friends, joining a meetup group, or hanging out with a co-worker for the first time outside of work. How else are you going to a) let that quality you're wanting to work on really shine and b) get comfortable just being with other people more? The people who are most successful with dating get lots of practice in other settings just talking with other people and being social. Build that up for yourself so that it feels less overwhelming when you're with someone on a date or attending a dating event. 

2. I'm in a relationship. 

You are the perfect candidate to ask the "what do I want to make room for?" question that I talked about above. Here's what happens in relationships (especially ones with kids and/or long-term ones): your relationship gets put on the back-burner. We ALL do it. Other things come first whether it's the crying baby, work, facebook, etc. While yes, it's not realistic to expect that anyone is able to focus on their partner all day every day, if there's one thing I can recommend for you in the new year, it's figuring out what you can do to make room to show them a little more love. Does it mean spending less time on your phone? Does it mean finding time so you can clean up the house a little bit before they come home? Does it mean making more room in your schedule for dates? Our metaphorical "plates" of life can get very full by lots of things and the space that's there for the relationship on the plate can shrink very quickly sometimes. It's time to create more room to really show your partner some love! It doesn't matter whether your relationship is going through a rough patch of if you're in a good spot right now - as I said above, we can ALL do better with this! Again, I don't want you to become too specific. I hate to say it, but if you set a goal for weekly date nights as your New Year's resolution, you're probably bound to fail. That is a "pass/fail" kind of resolution that will likely not stick for 52 weeks straight. Pick something as your guide. I recommend choosing a love language that you know your partner likes. If you need a reminder, the five love languages are touch, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service (like helping with cooking, cleaning or errands), and quality time. Let's say you pick touch: without setting your expectations too high, just decide to show them love more often in this way. Maybe you reach for their hand more when you're watching TV together or give them a longer kiss when they come home instead of just a peck. Variety and spontaneity are your friends with any of the love languages. If you make room to build a love language into your life on a consistent basis, your love will grow in the new year and beyond. 

3. My relationship recently ended. 

Ugh. Especially around this time of year. While you may think that I might recommend for you what I recommended for the people who are single in the dating world (i.e. 1. pick a word that describes your best self and build on that and 2. to socialize more), I'm going to really recommend that you carve out some space to grieve. Actually, this is not the time for New Year's resolutions for you. You may be very tempted to want to pick yourself up by your boot straps and start making changes but now is not the time for that. You may feel more ready in a couple months and then you can go for it, but right now, let yourself off the hook. If the relationship was a marriage or one in which you lived together, your whole life is being re-configured as you pick up those pieces. This time is about getting back to basics of figuring out what it means to go through life without that person. Even if you weren't living together or married, any relationship ending is really painful. It's all too easy to let the basics like sleep and eating go to the wayside (or go out of control) and you won't be able to make room for any new changes in your life until your body and mind are re-calibrated and on a routine that feels comfortable to you again. Start there and if you really want to start making room for something new down the road, set a New Year's resolution in March or August or whenever it feels right to you to decide what you can create room for after you've healed.