Finding Who You Want: Stop Going to the Hardware Store for Bread.

"I keep going to my family hoping that they'll give me the love I've always wanted," my client cried tearfully to me. "My sponsor says it's like I'm going to the hardware store for bread. I keep trying, hoping that they'll change and that I'll find what I'm looking for from them, but I keep being disappointed."

I had never heard this expression before this client shared it with me a few years ago of "going to the hardware store for bread" but when I heard it, it was a lightbulb moment. Most, if not all of us, have this experience with some area of our lives and it most commonly tends to be within a particular relationship: we keep being let down by someone repeatedly when they may not really be the problem. We're just looking to the wrong person for what we want and that need could be better met by someone else. 

When it comes to dating and trying to find a potential partner, this issue can crop up again and again and ...

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The Longevity Myth.

I was in my previous relationship for 8 years and considering that we started dating when I was 19, this was quite an accomplishment for someone of my age. He and I could walk into any party and I said, "8 years" with such pride when people would ask how long we had been together. I knew with certainty that we were the longest lasting couple in the room every time. I also say it with pride that my parents have been married for over 30 years. That my aunt and uncle have also been married for over 30 years and my grandparents have been married for more than 50. It's like some strange badge of honor I wear - that I myself was in such a long-term relationship and that I am surrounded by others in my family who are as well. My therapist recently asked me a good question though: why? 

I'm still working to figure out that answer, but I know I'm not alone. I love watching those youtube videos about the couple that has been together f ...

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Into the Great Unknown.

Last week I met up with a friend who I had not seen in over ten years. We filled each other in on our lives since that time which included talking about our current relationships. She told me in no uncertain terms that her husband is not the same man she married. While this is a common thing for people to say about their spouses (something along the lines of "I don't know who they are anymore"), in her case, she really meant it. After getting married, her husband completely changed his religious beliefs in a far more conservative direction and it's impacted every aspect of their marriage and life together. It was a big and sudden change. She's faced with a huge question: now what? 

The truth is that when you agree to marry someone, you're agreeing to marry someone you don't know. You don't know who that person is going to be in a year, 5 years, 30 years - and you're taking that plunge anyways. There was no way my friend could ...

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